


May 2005

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [23]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, M/M, Wordcount: 10.000-30.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-29
Updated: 2013-03-29
Packaged: 2017-12-06 21:11:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/740217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kryptonite causes havoc in Clark's life.<br/>Clark fights his destiny, destroying the ship and his parent's lives in the process. Scarred by Jor-El, he runs away from home, intending on bringing Lex but Lex goes missing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	May 2005

01 May @ 06:09 pm

I woke up so happy this morning. I had this amazing dream. The rest of my day didn't go so well. It was going great until Chloe showed up. Lana had asked me to come watch her ride for her show practice and then help her at the Talon, so I went by early this morning. I wanted to do as much work as possible and still have time to do the chores, run errands, and see Lex tonight. I totally forgot that I was supposed to write an article for the school paper. Chloe was spitting nails when she showed up, and we had a huge fight. I quit the paper and walked out on the conversation. 

I can't believe she thinks I don't make her a priority. I totally do. Just because I forgot one time when I was supposed to do something for her doesn't mean I neglect our friendship. At least now I don't have to worry about it any more. I don't work on that stupid paper so screw her. The more I think about it, the angrier I get. It's not my fault. I was helping a friend and it was Chloe's girlfriend, so you'd think she'd be a little less harsh.

I have a ton of work to do for Dad, and then I have to go into Grandville to run errands for Mom. I guess I'll stay away from Chloe and let it blow over. I'm sure she'll forgive me. She always does.

 

02 May @ 01:33 pm

This week is going to totally suck. It started off bad yesterday with the fight Chloe and I had, and it got even worse today. She told me that maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore. I didn't even know what to say to that. I swear she acts like Lana and I are cheating on her! I was so upset and pissed off that I just took my stuff from the Torch office and walked away.

Then last night on my way back from Grandville, I ran into some people robbing a truck. I tried to stop them, but they were too strong. They kicked my ass. I couldn't believe it.

I found them today and I followed Eric to the Smallville foundry. I can't believe Eric is refining meteor rocks into liquid and inhaling it. I tried to warn them, but instead they caught me and tried to kill me. If they hadn't taken off with the refined Kryptonite, I'd be dead right now. I'd be ash. My clothes were completely burned off of me, but not before I got a good taste of what it feels like to have all my skin burned to a crisp and my clothing stuck to me. At least I still have my hair. I would laugh at the thought that I could have come out of this bald except for the fact that it's not funny.

I healed, but I had to run home without any clothes. I walked into the kitchen naked. Of course Mom and Dad both happened to be having lunch at the time. I should have gone up to my loft first to get clothes but I was too stunned to think straight.

I still shudder when I think about how hot that thing was inside. All I can think about is the fact that my boots were melted off my feet, and the fact that every inch of my skin was burned but that there are no scars to show what happened to me. 

I just took a shower, but I still feel like crap. I hate fire. 

Dad called the sheriff with an anonymous tip. I don't want to get back on her radar. I know I should tell the police what I saw, but how do I explain this?

Ugh, I really need another shower right now. I swear. I still feel ashes in my hair and my skin still feels hot. 

I am going to stay home for the rest of the day and take a very, very, very, very long bath. This is just so gross. I can't even imagine how Lex will take it. I can see it now: "Oh hi, Lex. By the way, I almost died today." It's probably better not to tell him about it. I don't want him to freak out and worry. After seeing the look on my parents' faces when I told them, I think I'll just keep this to myself.

 

03 May @ 06:01 pm

Mom made my favorite dinner and baked cookies all for me. I took a really long bath last night before bed, and then I had the best night's sleep I've had in a long time. I had no nightmares, and I didn't wake up until just before my alarm clock went off. I even managed to wake up without smashing my clock. 

I realized that I'm going to have to get a new wallet and all new ID. This morning I went to the office to get my student ID replaced. My wallet was in the back pocket of my jeans when I was thrown in the furnace. I had five dollars on me. Luckily, I'd left my cell phone in my locker. I guess that was dumb, since I could have used it yesterday, but then it would have probably been burned up, too.

I told Mom that I'd make sure to tell Lex about what happened, but that I wanted to do it in person. I thought for sure she was going to call him up right away. I talked her out of it.

I was gloating at lunchtime. I watched as the sheriff arrested Eric. When he saw that I wasn't dead, the look of shock on his face was priceless. I wanted to rub it in, but I stood on the sidelines until he was taken away in the police car. It's not like he can tell anybody what he did. They would think he was crazy.

Last night Pete stopped by to give me my homework, which I finished in about ten seconds. He was so jealous, until I told him what Eric had tried to do to me. He was horrified, but I reassured Pete that Eric was going to get his. Eric is in jail now and everything they've been doing will come out, and Eric and his friends can't hurt anybody anymore.

I saw Chloe in the hall today. I started to go over to talk to her until I remembered that we're not friends any more. That totally bummed me out.

 

04 May @ 05:36 pm

The Torch office was trashed today and my parents were attacked. Somebody bailed Eric out of jail, and he attacked me. I was trying to talk to a very upset Chloe when Eric jumped me. He overpowered me and warned me to stay away from him and his friends. I struggled hard to get away from him, but he was so much stronger than me. Then he threatened my parents. I ran home as fast as I could to find my mom and dad had been attacked. The attackers wrecked the farm and pinned my parents to the loft. It took a while for me to get them down. I was so terrified that Mom had been hurt. I begged Dad to leave for a while until things settled down.

He finally agreed to take Mom to the city for a few days until I could do something about Eric and his buddies. I am so furious. I want to smash his face in, but he's just as strong as I am, and every time we fight, he kicks my ass.

Chloe is so upset, but she refuses to talk to me. Usually we've made up by now, but this time she's serious. She's really angry with me. I wish there were something I could say to make it better. I really miss her. You never know how much you count on somebody until they're not there any more. Maybe if I talk to Lana she could convince Chloe to come around.

Mom and Dad just left, so I'm alone now. I wish I could tell Lex, but I don't want to get him involved. What if they hurt him, or, worse, kill him? Dad gave me a pep talk, but I still feel a little scared. These jerks burned me alive and every time I go near them it hurts. I feel so weak around them, but mostly I feel like a failure. I've never been beaten like this before. It's humiliating. Coming home naked was embarrassing. I realized that it doesn't even matter that I'm invulnerable because my family and friends aren't. What if they'd really hurt Mom and Dad? How could I have dealt with that?

I think about it and I rage inside. I want to destroy them for what they did to my parents.

@ 06:50 pm

Lex bail Eric out of jail!

 

05 May @ 01:05 pm

That was the most amazing night ever. 

Lex came over just as I was finishing up the chores. I wasn't really angry with him for what happened with Eric. If I'd told him what Eric had done to me and if I'd told him about what was in the truck, it would have played out a different way. I felt angry at first that he'd bailed Eric out of jail, but once I distracted myself with the chores and had time to think about what happened, I calmed down. I was just so happy to see Lex. 

After I took a shower, we sat on the porch and talked as the sun set. Then we went inside and I made us dinner. I was glad neither of us wanted to talk about the incident, although it did kind of scare me when Lex said he'd kill Eric for trying to burn me alive. I think I convinced Lex that would have been bad. At least I hope I did. I don't want to lose him now.

Lex slept over last night, and we had the most amazing sex ever. We broke my bed. Not that it matters since my bed has been broken countless times by my floating and my enthusiastic bed jumping when I was a kid. This was the best bed-breaking ever. 

Lex had to sleep in his boxers since he hadn't expected to stay over. Having him under my covers in my own bed made me so horny. I was hard before I even climbed into bed with him. I couldn't help myself. I tried to fight it but that lasted for about ten seconds. I was on him before even I realized it. It felt amazing to kiss him and press up against his warmth. He kept touching me to make sure I wasn't hurt from the fire, but I didn't mind one bit. He sucked me off and I shouted his name. Lucky thing mom and dad weren't home. I guess if they had been, we'd never have fucked in my bed.

I am getting hard just remembering how good it felt to slide my cock deep into him and pound him so hard the bed collapsed. It's still broken. I didn't have time to fix it this morning, but I don't care. I even left fingerprints in the headboard.

After school today, I'm going to stop by the mansion and make sure Lex doesn't do anything that will get him killed. I don't want him to go anywhere near Eric and his buddies. I know Lex. I know he's going to want to do something. I'll just have to be there to make sure that whatever he does, he doesn't get in trouble.

 

06 May @ 01:50 pm

I am so happy that my parents are going to be home later today. I miss them. I called last night after kicking Eric and his buddies' asses. I was only too happy to beat the crap out of every last one of them. I have to admit, it gave me a thrill to kick Eric around. He had it coming.

At first they got the better of me. It was three against one, but I turned things around. As soon as they were all unconscious, I called up Pete and asked him to meet me. We took all the meteor bars we could find and buried them out in the woods. It was a little painful but at least Lionel doesn't have them any more. 

I only regret that I had to knock Lex out to do it. Yesterday when I went by to talk to him about a plan, he refused to let me help. He told me to stay out of it and that he'd let his security team handle it. I couldn't do that. I had to fight Eric not just to prove that I could fight him, but also to protect Lex. 

Now I have to tell Lex what I did. Maybe it's better not to. Maybe I should just pretend I have no clue what happened. He'd believe me, but I hate lying to him. I really do. 

I have to get the house ready for Mom and Dad's return. I called last night and they're both fine. I talked to Mom first and she said that everything was fine. Dad told me he was proud of me. I think I will never get tired of hearing him say that. It means everything to me.

Now I hope Lex will forgive me for what I did. I hope I didn't hurt him too badly. He was gone when I went back to where I'd left him, so he must have woken up and gone home. I dread talking to him, but it has to happen some time.

Chloe still won't talk to me. I tried to track her down, but Pete told me the best thing to do was stay away. I guess so. I really miss her. She's always been there for me and now she's not. I wish none of this had ever happened. At least Lana is still talking to me. 

 

07 May @ 11:47 pm

Mom and Dad got back from their trip to the city yesterday. They looked fine and Dad looked rested. I was so happy to see them. I cooked dinner. Dad and I did the evening chores together, and I talked to him about what happened. I couldn't lie about Lex, so I told him that when I told Lex about what Eric had done to me, Lex came over. He barely scowled this time. I left out the part about Lex staying in my room. I didn't think Dad would want to hear about that. He was just glad that I was okay. 

I stopped by the mansion just before dinner to talk to Lex about what I did, but I couldn't tell him. I was going to and I started to, but then I chickened out. I just couldn't tell him that I knocked him out so he wouldn't get hurt. I realized just how stupid that sounded. I just kept my mouth shut and didn't say anything. I sat up last night in the loft thinking about this for a long time. I guess I just didn't want to stir up things after Eric and his friends were caught and the Kryptonite safely buried. Maybe it's better if what I did stayed buried, too.

Today I went with Lana and Chloe to Lana's horse competition. Lana won first prize, and after the event she invited me out to a celebratory dinner. I almost said no, but Lana really wanted me to be there. Chloe didn't look thrilled but she behaved. I think Lana was hoping Chloe and I would get along better and maybe start to talk about renewing our friendship. That wasn't in the cards. It's not that Chloe was hostile. She was fine. I know we said we'd take a break from our friendship, so I wasn't that upset. I have to admit it did hurt a little, but the fact that Lana was really happy to have me there made it all worthwhile.

 

08 May @ 08:44 pm

I wanted Mom and Dad to have the whole day to spend together because it's Mother's Day. I did ever chore she and dad would do. I insisted. At first they said no, but it was too late for them to argue since I'd already done most of them by the early morning.

Dad and I took Mom to dinner so she wouldn't have to do any cooking or cleaning. We even dressed up nice. Mom took a nap in the afternoon. I hope she's okay. She said she was fine, and Dad told me that the doctor in the city gave her a clean bill of health, but I still worry that I cause her way too much stress. I talked to Dad about this. I asked him if it might be better for us to keep some of the really stressful things that happen from her. He agreed with me.

I almost asked my parents if Lex could come with us to dinner. I really wanted him there, but I didn't want my Dad to get upset. He's finally accepting Lex's role in our lives. It's probably best not to push too hard. 

The sky is clear tonight, so I'm going to hang out in the loft. Mom and Dad already went up to bed. 

I have to admit that I feel a little apprehension about the baby. I just hope I can be a good big brother to my new sibling.

 

09 May @ 06:05 pm

I asked Lex out on a date, sort of. They're showing an old film (I think it's some horror movie) at the Talon theatre tonight, and I was going to go with my friends, but I went by the mansion during my lunch hour and decided to ask Lex if he'd like to come along. He said yes. I was so ecstatic that I spent the rest of the day on cloud nine. It's not like anybody but he and I will know that it is a date, and we can't hold hands or anything, but it means everything to have him there with me.

When I stopped by, I locked the door to his office so we could have some privacy. We made out on his sofa. I wanted more to happen but I had to get back to class. I had English right after lunch. At least I didn't have to stay late to do any Torch work, since I don't work on the Torch any more. Chloe's still isn't talking to me. The most she will give me is a polite greeting. She's going to be there tonight at the movie. She'll probably be with Lana. At least we don't have to talk.

I have to go take a shower and get ready for my 'date'. I can't wait to see Lex. He's picking me up soon so we can go into town. I told Dad that I had a date with Lex, and the only thing he told me was not to get home too late, since it's a school night.

Everything is so perfect. I can't wait to sit beside Lex in that dark theatre. I wonder if I'll be able to sneak some touching. I could always get some popcorn and fake that our hands bump when we both reach into the bucket.

 

10 May @ 07:18 pm

The movie night was great, though I didn't really pay much attention to the movie. I was too distracted by Lex's closeness. He picked me up from home, and we went to the Talon for some coffee before the movie started. All my friends were there.

I leaned my shoulder into Lex almost the whole time. It's not like anybody would say anything, since I am a big guy and those seats are so small. It was a dream date as much as a public dream date could be in my small town. 

The night went well except for a strange incident involving the ghost of a little girl. At least that's what Lana thinks. Lex and she saw Lana's friend from childhood, who still looked nine years old. It was weird, but I didn't want to think about that. I wanted to think about how nice the night turned out. It seems that I can actually go on a date with my boyfriend and nobody will freak. Just because only we knew doesn't mean it didn't really happen.

I went to talk to Lex this afternoon about this little girl so we could go check something out. His father was there, but he was leaving just as I arrived. Mr. Luthor made a comment about my ears burning, and when he said 'see you soon, son' to Lex, it almost sounded like a threat. 

As soon as Mr. Luthor was gone, Lex poured himself a drink. I wish he wouldn't do that.

Lex agreed to go with me to check out a lead. It seems that this little girl is very real, even though Lana said she died a long time ago. Something very strange is going on. I'm going to have to look into it some more. In our town, strange is normal.

 

11 May @ 09:31 pm

How could her father do that to her? She's so hurt, confused, and afraid. I tried to make her feel better, but I don't think it helped. I wish I could have said something to help. 

When Lana and I found that lab with those clones, I wanted to run. How could anybody do something like this? I wish people would stop using the meteor rocks for their experiments. I wish Lionel would stop it. I have no idea why he'd want to clone a little girl, and I don't know who those little boys were, but this has to be stopped. I can't believe that Lex would think it was an astonishing accomplishment. Maybe if he'd seen those little boys and girls in the glass tubes, he might not feel that way. I can't believe his dad would do this. Why would he want to clone people, and why would he want to have them grow up so fast they don't even know who or what they are?

Emily can move as fast as me. She was grown using meteor rocks. One thing I have noticed about the meteor rocks is that they seem to have a similar effect on humans. They give people strength and speed, but the tradeoff is not worth it. In the end, all the meteor rocks do is isolate them.

Lionel needs to stop what he's doing, and I'm going to stop him. He may have moved the lab, but I will find a way to help that poor girl. I know just how she feels. When I found out I was from another planet, I felt so alienated. I don't feel like any of them at all. I feel like Emily. I feel like I will never belong no matter how hard I try. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying.

Through all of this, I'm really glad that Chloe could put our differences aside to help figure out what's going on. Lana is terrified. I hate seeing her so upset. I don't blame her. It's a very upsetting situation. The only person who seems more intrigued than disturbed by all this is Lex.

 

12 May @ 08:57 am

Lana stayed in our guest room. My parents offered to let her stay with us. I went in to check on her right after I'd gotten ready for bed. She looked lost and afraid. A better word to describe how she looked would have to be haunted. I wasn't sure what else to do other than hold her and tell her that I wouldn't let anybody hurt her. I knew I could protect her, so I decided to stay in the room with her.

Chloe showed up to check on her. It was only a little bit uncomfortable because I could tell Chloe wanted me to leave, but Lana wanted me to stay and I couldn't leave Lana. So I stuck around, and we had some uncomfortable moments.

I wished that the tension between Chloe and me wasn't there, but I can't deny it. I felt it and I'm sure that Lana felt it. After Chloe left, I stayed in the guest room with Lana. I was going to leave once she fell asleep, but I couldn't. I stayed in the room all night. I didn't want Emily to come in while she was asleep and startle her.

Lana looked peaceful when she finally drifted off to sleep. With all of the tension drained from her, just before she fell asleep, I reassured her that I would not let anything happen to her. 

So I haven't had any sleep. I went out to do chores very early, and then returned to check on Lana again. She was still asleep. I woke her for breakfast, but I didn't tell her that I had stayed in the room with her all night. I guess I could have. All that mattered was that Lana felt safe.

My dad got this look in his eyes when he asked if I'd stayed up all night with Lana. I know what he was thinking. I didn't even bother to remind him that both Lana and I have people in our lives that we care about that way. It was kind of amusing for about five seconds. I'll have to talk to dad about it eventually. He really needs to stop holding out hope that I will find a girl.

 

13 May @ 11:18 am

He almost died again. I dived in, my heart pounding. I thought this time would be the last time. I would lose him all because somebody played god. He looked dead when I brought him to shore. I breathed life back into him just like the other two times.

I keep thinking that maybe I won't be able to handle it this time. I keep thinking that I will break. It's too much to handle. I was so grateful to Lana for coming to get me after what she saw.

Emily led Lana and Lex to the bridge. It was the same bridge Emily had died at a few years back. She was angry and bitter and wanted Lana to pay for what had just been a tragic accident.

Everybody is safe now. I only saw Emily for a brief moment. She said that this was all Lex's fault. She told me that Lex should have stayed away from Lana, and that his father is a really bad man. I just wish she had stayed. I wanted to help her, but now she's disappeared and we have no idea where she is. I wanted to find out what she meant by all this. I can only guess that she was bitter about what Lex's dad did to her. 

After I saved him, I took Lex home. He seemed to take it in stride, like this is something that we do all the time. Once we were back at the mansion, he went for a drink. I knew then that it wasn't so easy for him to dismiss. Not that I thought it would be, but I just don't know what to say to him that would help. I seem to fail not only Lex on that front but Chloe as well.

At least I could save them. That's something.

 

13 May @ 10:41 pm

Dad made a crib for the baby. We're getting the extra room ready for the new family member. She's really coming. Mom thinks the baby is a she. Maybe I should give her a name, like Peanut. I kind of like that.

Dad is so happy. When he showed me the crib and told me that he's planning on surprising mom this weekend, I couldn't stop smiling. I told him I'd make myself scarce. He insisted he wanted me there, but I told him I didn't mind letting them have this time alone. 

I can't wait. I hope she likes me. I wonder what she'll look like. I wonder if she'll have red hair like my mom. If she does look like my mom, she'll be beautiful. I'm getting so excited just thinking about how I'll be able to help Mom and Dad out with everything. 

I think I'm going to go ask mom if she'll let me 'talk' to Peanut.

 

14 May @ 01:08 pm

I felt her move. It was the most amazing thing ever. I sat with Mom last night and talked to Peanut. At first I felt weird doing it, but before I knew it, I felt at ease, almost like I was already a big brother. She is so lucky to have my Mom and Dad for parents. I even touched Mom and Peanut kicked. It was as though she knew I was talking to her. Mom looks so radiant and beautiful.

I feel so great today. I spent the morning with Mom and Dad. I did all the chores while Dad showed Mom the crib. When I came back inside, they were talking about the baby's room. They were both so happy. I don't think I have ever seen Dad this happy.

I feel so lucky to have them as my parents. Every night when I go to bed, I say a little thank you that they were the ones who found me.

@ 06:54 pm

I was in such a great mood that I wanted to share it with Lex. After lunch, I ran over to the mansion to see if he could take a break from his grueling work schedule. I found him in his study working, of course. It took almost no arm-twisting to talk him into going for a walk on the mansion grounds. It was a gorgeous day out. The sun was shining, the birds singing... that kind of day. I just couldn't let it pass without spending some time with Lex.

I dragged him outside and we walked for a while, talking about the upcoming summer and our plans. I told him how excited I am that I'm going to be a big brother soon. He got a little quiet so I changed the subject. 

We found a secluded spot, and before I knew it we were making out on the soft lush grass. I'm in love with spring. Everything is being reborn and all new. Before I knew it, Lex was tugging my jeans and boxers down and sucking me off right there in the shade of a huge oak tree. I climaxed as birds flew from tree branch to tree branch. He totally blew me away, and as soon as I recovered, I jumped him and returned the favor. He looked gorgeous in the shade of the leaves, sun dancing in his bright blue eyes, cheeks flushed and skin warmed by the light of the sun. I licked his bare skin, trying to taste the rays. I love the sun.

We lay in the grass for a while, my head resting on his bare chest. I felt so satisfied. I looked up into the sky, and wished we could stay like that forever.

 

16 May @ 12:26 pm

It's my birthday. It's not really the day I was born. My parents had to give them a date at the adoption agency for their records, so they picked today. I never tell anybody about it since it's not the day I was born. Usually I just ignore it. Mom and Dad still do something every year. Last year was a total disaster, so I didn't bother to remind Lex what day it would be today when I talked to him yesterday. I did agree to go over after dinner today so we could just hang out.

Pete picked me up to drive me to school this morning. We talked about Chloe. I'm just going to have to wait it out. He said he's been avoiding her. He's afraid he'll catch her wrath meant for me as well as any she has for him. I reminded him that she's not Darth Vader, so even if there was wrath, she couldn't hurt him. I think Pete has been way more affected by what's going on than he's told me. It makes sense and I told him to stop avoiding Chloe. I asked him to please stick close to her. He seemed to like this idea. I think he's still hung up on her. I know he had a huge crush on her, but ever since she was outed, he hasn't really talked about her that much. He talks about her but just not as much as he used to.

He got me a twenty-five dollar gift certificate for the Talon: free lattes for a day, since I drink so many in one day.

Right now I have to get out of the Torch office before Chloe catches me. I have to get to class and take a test. I totally forgot to study for it.

@ 11:07 pm

I went over to the mansion after dinner to hang with Lex. When I got there he surprised me with a chocolate cake. It was chocolate on chocolate and huge. He asked me to make a wish and blow out the candles, so I did. I wished that everybody would be safe and that no harm would come to any of my friends and family. It's the same thing I wish for every time.

I didn't really expect much from him except maybe to spend time together. He pulled out a jewelry box, the kind a ring comes in. I was stunned. When I opened it up, I found a ring inside. A really nice simple band that looked way too small for me to wear. It turned out to be his mother's wedding ring.

I didn't know what to say. I asked if he was asking me to marry him. About five seconds later, I realized there was no way he'd do that. He said that I'm too young. I tried to hide how hurt I was by his words, but I understood what he meant. I know he's right and besides, marrying age in Kansas is eighteen and I just turned seventeen. Not that we could marry since we're both male. 

So it wasn't a marriage proposal but in a way, it was something even more. His mother's wedding ring. I was totally blown away. I lose things all the time and I'm so afraid that I'll lose this.

At first, he asked me to put it on my necklace since it doesn't fit any of my fingers. I put it in my pocket and said I'd figure out a way to wear it. Then we got down to serious business. I smeared cake on my lips, we kissed, and I got totally lost in him. He looked so hot when he pulled my jeans down and saw that I had gone commando. I thought I was going to jump him on the spot. Maybe he intended to top me, but once I told him I wanted to bend him over the table and take him right there, I couldn't stop myself.

So we had sex right in the dining room with my chocolate cake on out lips. When he was bent over the table and I was buried deep inside him, I made him suck icing from my fingers. Watching and feeling him licking and sucking on my fingers pushed me over the edge. He came and I followed almost right after.

It was the most amazing sex ever. I say that every time we have sex, but I can't help it. Every time we do it, he totally blows me away. He's so hot and so sexy.

I thought I was going to pass out from sensory overload. To touch him and taste him and feel him that way, and on top of that to hear him say 'ditto'... it was the best birthday ever.

After we cleaned up, we pulled on a few clothes so we could go to the hot tub. Lex wasn't happy that I chose to put the ring in my pocket. In fact, when I took my pants off to get into the hot tub, the ring fell out of my pocket, so he asked me again to put it on the necklace. This time I did. I still feel terrified that I'm going to lose it. I keep thinking of that time I broke the necklace without meaning to. I lose things so easily. Luckily I made it home with ring and necklace still intact.

Lex told me that he loves me and that we're forever. I feel so overwhelmed. I want to talk to somebody about this, but mom is asleep already and I really don't want to wake her. Maybe tomorrow I can bring it up. I have to know what she thinks. I want her to know that I see Lex and me in terms of us being together forever.

Maybe it's not realistic to think this way when I'm only seventeen. Lex said he doesn't want to presume and that he doesn't want me to give anything up for him. He can be so blind sometimes. I would give so much up for him. He said that the ring already belongs to me, but my heart belonged to him from the moment we met.

I'm so hungry right now. I already ate five hardboiled eggs when I got home, but it wasn't enough. I need a sandwich or something. I don't feel tired at all. I feel so alive. I feel so awake. The sky is clear tonight and the stars are shining like diamonds. 

I want to go back to the mansion and be with Lex. Maybe one day, we'll live together and share everything. I already feel like we do.

I feel like I could fly.

 

19 May @ 07:38 am

I wasn't sure what to expect, but I'm so glad I went over. After dinner and a few chores, I ran over to the mansion as fast as I could, which turned out to be about half a second. I found a note in Lex's office asking me to go up to his room. When I went up, I found him in the shower. He looked so amazing, dripping wet, room full of steam. I stripped so I could join him. I can't get enough of touching him. He's so sexy and so hot. 

It makes me hard just thinking about him. When I went home last night even after we'd been together, I had to jerk off. Seeing Lex in the shower wet, I almost came when our cocks touched. We kissed like we'd been apart for years. Then he turned me around and his hands were all over me, touching my skin. I was already so horny. It amazes me how sexy he makes me feel.

I braced myself on the wall, and he fucked me right there, up against the wall, one of his hands on my hip (and I swear I can still feel his grip), the other stroking me to the most amazing orgasm ever. He pounded into me so hard, I cracked the shower tiles. It was so euphoric and amazing. I forgot everything else. All I could think about was Lex.

After we finished, we kissed and laughed about the tiles. I guess if he's going to stay with me, he's going to have a to deal with big repair bills.

We washed off (best thing about shower sex) and put on some really nice robes, then went back to his room to lounge on his bed. It seemed like just five minutes later I was horny again. I begged Lex to touch me. He makes me feel so sexy. I told him that, and he urged me to touch myself, so I pulled our robes open. I wanted to come on his skin. I jerked off right there in front of him. I felt sexy as he watched me. I still can't believe I did it. I kept thinking about it last night in bed and that was what made me jerk off again. I think I found my perfect sexual fantasy: Lex fucks me then I jerk off as he watches. If I could have that every time, I'd be happy. I don't want it every time since I totally love fucking him and he always looks so sexy (way sexier than me, I am sure) when he jerks off. 

I shouldn't have written this first thing in the morning, because now I have to jerk off again.

 

21 May @ 10:47 pm

I haven't had much time to pause and write in here the last few days. Things have been really hectic. I've either been studying or helping Mom and Dad. Lex went away on business for the weekend but I called him earlier. I wanted to talk to him, and Lana asked if I could talk to him about something for the Talon, so I asked Lex when I called if he could take care of it. He said he'd get to it as soon as possible. He isn't coming home until Sunday.

I hadn't seen him for a few days before he went away on Friday. It's so weird how I feel like I have to see or at least hear his voice every day. I almost started talking to Pete about it last night. We were at the Talon, hanging out doing nothing in particular, and the subject of significant others came up. Pete is still seeing Brenda. I asked him how serious he was with her, and he just shrugged and said he wasn't sure. 

I know I'm sure when it comes to Lex. I wish I could tell Pete. I really do. I hate keeping this from him. There was a moment for just a second when we were sitting there laughing, and he was cracking jokes that I thought maybe he'd understand. We've been best friends since I was five. Maybe I'm not giving Pete enough credit. I might start by just telling him that I don't like girls. Maybe that would clue him in. 

He had to leave to run some errands for his mother, so I sat alone for awhile, looking at all the people who walked in the door, wondering if I found them attractive. Other than thinking some girls were pretty and some boys were cute, I didn't really find anybody attractive the way I find Lex attractive. It's like he was made just for me. My mom always told me that one day I'd find the perfect person for me. She always said person. I'm not sure why, but the more I thought about that, the more I realized how cool it is that my mom didn't make assumptions.

I'm sitting here in my loft, thinking. I was reading a book about the nature of attraction and what makes us attracted to others. The chapter about the different things we do subconsciously to attract somebody was interesting. I doubt I'll be able to look at people the same way again.

My favorite thing that totally turns me on about Lex is the way he treats me. To him I was never just a kid. He's always treated me like a mature adult. If only he could teach that trick to Dad. He makes eye contact with me every time we talk. I notice he never shies away from eye contact. It's a little intimidating, but at the same time it makes me feel important. 

If you ever met him in real life you'd know what I mean.

 

22 May @ 05:46 pm

I stopped by the Talon today to tell Lana that she'd be getting her new cappuccino machine soon. I couldn't stay long. She was busy so I got my coffee to go. Then I went over to Pete's and we went out on dirt bikes. I had so much fun. I haven't heard from Lex yet. He's either going to be home tonight or tomorrow sometime. I can't wait to see him. I want to give him an awesome welcome home present. I still have the ring. I haven't lost it. I even wear it to bed. 

I spent some time in the new room. It's not really new. It's the guest room being made into the little peanut's room. I can't wait. I'm even excited about the prospect of changing diapers.

 

23 May @ 12:15 pm

It's been such a strange day so far. Things started off great. I was talking to mom about how excited I am about the baby and how happy I am with Lex, when Lex showed up. Dad even brought him to the kitchen. He actually looked happy to see Lex. I think my heart actually skipped a beat when I saw my dad's reaction to seeing Lex. That didn't last very long. 

Lex had stopped by to ask my parents to come to a dinner party he's throwing. I know what he was trying to do. Dad doesn't feel anywhere near the same way. At least Mom got him to calm down. I can't believe that after all these months he still acted that way. I was so disappointed in him.

Then they had this big fight and Lex left upset. I didn't even get a chance to talk to Lex alone or even touch him. I don't know when he came home from his business trip. He never called me and he seemed so distracted. I'll have to talk to him tonight. I was so annoyed at Dad. I couldn't even talk to him after Lex left.

@ 09:31 pm

I caught up with Lana this afternoon. She was horseback riding. We talked about Chloe. I felt bad because I totally forgot that I promised Chloe I'd talk to Lex about Lionel. I meant to. It's just that things kept coming up and I kept forgetting. Now Chloe is angry with me and I don't know what to do about it. 

Then I heard it: a voice in my head. _The day is coming_. That's what it said. I had to leave Lana in the middle of our conversation. I didn't have a choice. Just as I rushed back to the house, my cell phone rang. It was Lex. He called me to tell me that Dr. Walden had woken up. I tried not to panic.

I rushed right over to the hospital. I wasn't sure what I would find. I was terrified that Walden had said something to Lex. I just couldn't deal with that right now. It turned out to be really bad. Lex said a beam shot out of Dr. Walden's hand. He scorched symbols on the ceiling of his cell that read _'the day is coming'_ , the same chant I'd heard in my head earlier. Then Walden escaped. He knows about me. He somehow knows what I am. Lex said Walden was chanting _'the day is coming'_ , so he guessed that was what the symbols said. The rest of the message said _'he is not one of us'_. I didn't tell Lex about that part. 

After I somehow managed to keep from totally freaking out, we agreed to work together to find Walden and stop him. I'm so confused. 

I've been all over town trying to find Walden. I went down to the caves, but I only ran into Lionel. He owns the caves now. Lex didn't tell me that his father took the caves away from him. Lionel is such a creep. I hate being near him. He gives me these really strange looks that make me feel dirty, but I have more to worry about. The symbols around the keyhole in the cave wall have changed. I don't know how, but they aren't the same anymore. It now says _'The day is coming when the last son will begin his quest to rule the third planet.'_ It's me. I'm the last son.

Lionel saw this and he knows that something is up and I think he suspects that I'm in the middle of it. I need to talk to Lex about this. How much does Lionel know about me? Is he doing this because I'm with Lex?

At least something went right. Later in the afternoon, Lex stopped by the house. Dad apologized for the way he'd behaved toward Lex earlier in the day, and agreed to go to the dinner party. Lex and I went up to my loft and kissed. We talked about the party. He wants us all to get along. I can't wait. This is so exciting. 

Now if only we could find Dr. Walden and make sure he's safely contained. I'm not going to think about him. I know Lex will take care of it.

 

24 May @ 08:53 am

I can't believe Mom and Dad. I told them about the symbols changing and that Lionel was down in the caves asking about them, and all they can do is act like nothing is happening! Walden can read my native language. Lionel knows something is up. I have a very important dinner to go to, and I don't want to have to think about these things.

Why now? Why does all of this have to be happening now? I hope they catch Walden soon. I had nightmares about it last night. I was trapped and I couldn't get to my parents, Lex, or any of my friends. Then suddenly they were all in front of me, telling me to stop fighting. They kept saying that everything would be fine. I woke up early this morning and I couldn't get back to sleep, so I went out and did every single chore.

Dad and I talked about the dinner party. I thanked him for agreeing to go, and he told me that he's very proud of me, and that he trusts Lex. I was speechless. When I asked why the sudden change of heart, he said that he could see how much Lex loved me. My dad actually said this! He apologized for being so pigheaded. I think I got tears in my eyes. I don't remember for sure because I was so busy trying to figure out what had made dad change his mind about Lex.

I'm anxious about the party. I want to write a speech, but I have no idea what to say. I know that I won't hold back. I'm going to tell Mom and Dad just how much I love Lex.

@ 05:02 pm

Chloe was just here. I forgot to talk to Lex about his dad, but she didn't bring that up. She asked if I would write an article about Walden with her. Tonight has to be perfect. I've been so busy with everything and so panicked that I completely forgot about the favor she asked of me. Right now I can't think about that. I'll talk to Chloe tomorrow and we can start to mend our friendship then. She'll forgive me. She always does.

Right now, I need to get through tonight without passing out or having a heart attack.

 

25 May @ 03:55 am

My whole life just fell apart. Dr. Walden tried to kill me. He said he was doing it for humankind. He shot this painful beam out of his hand at me, and when I fought back, he exploded a gas tank and burned up. Nobody blamed me. Even the police said it was just a freak accident. What if he's right? What if Walden was right about me being a danger to the world? Why did the message say that I have to begin my quest to rule? 

Everything went so perfectly at the dinner with my parents and Lex. We were so happy. I read my speech and Lex and I kissed, and Dad gave Lex the traditional Kent compass. It's only ever given to the person that you're supposed to marry. We ate, laughed, and talked and everybody was so happy. I was so happy. 

Then Lex showed me the room. He said he didn't want there to be any more secrets between us. I didn't even have a chance to react when the voice in my head called me to the farm. I ran from Lex. I left him standing in that room alone. I didn't even tell him what was wrong. I didn't even have time. I just told him I couldn't deal with this right now and I left before he could say anything. 

The ship called to me. I went down to the storm cellar and it said it was the memory of my biological father, Jor-El. He said I have to come to him by sundown tomorrow night so I can fulfill my destiny. It told me that I don't have a choice. 

Screw him! I'm not doing it. I have a life right here in Smallville. I have my parents and things between them and Lex are just starting to finally come together. Dad finally accepted my choice to be with Lex. I'm going to be a big brother. I have best friends who care about me. I won't do it. I won't go. I can't. 

I can't even think about anything else right now. I have to figure out what to do about this. I wish I could talk to somebody, but right now this isn't something I can share. Not with Mom or Dad, and especially not with Lex. He kept the fucking car! Why? I thought he trusted me. I thought all of that stuff was behind us. I told him all my secrets, and he still kept all those things. I have to deal with this after I figure out what to do about the ship. Maybe I could get rid of it somehow. 

Lex had the car and all these things that had to do with me locked up in this room at the mansion. What was Lex thinking? What if Lionel found it? I just can't deal with this. Why does he have to do this to me right now? Everything was so perfect, and he does this. Why would he keep those things? 

I told him everything! What more does he want from me? 

Why does my life have to be so complicated right now? It was going so perfectly. I should have known something was going to screw it up. I should never have thought that things were going to be okay.

@ 09:31 pm

No matter what I do, things keep getting worse. The ship burned the mark of my ancestors on my chest. It hurt. My chest burned when it was happening. I've never felt pain like that before. How am I going to explain any of this to my parents or to Lex? That voice coming from the ship told me that if I don't obey it, I would hurt the ones I love. It said I have no choice. My Dad says I always have a choice. I will not do whatever it is the ship wants me to do. I will not rule the world. Even Lionel seems to think it's true. I ran into him down in the caves. I needed time to think. I needed to get away from everything and I was hoping maybe something on the walls would tell me what I'm supposed to do. He has all this equipment down there and he made a key out of Kryptonite.

He's insane. He knows about me. He believes it. He probably thinks I'm a threat to his son. When he showed me the key he'd made, a key made out of Kryptonite, I just know he held it close to me on purpose so I'd get sick. He must know that the meteor rocks make me sick. I could get away from him, but he terrifies me. He saw the ring on my necklace and totally freaked out. I've never seen him so angry. He pushed me up against the cave wall and demanded that I tell him where I got the ring. I didn't say anything. I was so afraid that he wouldn't step away from me, but he did and I managed to get out of there. I tried to warn him that it would be dangerous to put that key he made into the wall. I don't think he listened. He's crazy. He's determined to go through with his insane plan. Why hasn't Lex done something about this? 

I'm so confused. Why did Lex have to keep those things? I love him and I've given him everything of myself that I could. I feel so betrayed. I don't know what to do. I can't go over there to talk to him. I'm too afraid. I need time to think more about what happened and what to say to him. I don't want to lose him, but this is a betrayal. I keep telling myself that maybe we can work it out, but then I think about that room. I don't know what to do.

Maybe it's better this way. If I am a danger to humans, maybe I should just let Lex go.

I want to destroy the ship. I hate it so much. I wish I'd never found it after it went missing. I hate it and I think I know how to destroy it. What if I put that key Lionel made into the keyhole on the ship? Maybe the Kryptonite in the key would destroy it for good and that voice would go away. I have to do something.

 

26 May @ 10:11 am

I have the Kryptonite key that Lionel made. Pete is the best friend ever. He braved Lionel's wrath to help me steal it, and now I'm going to put it in the ship. Mom and Dad went over to talk to Lex about what we're going to do about Lionel. They looked so hopeful. I could tell they are both afraid. It's my fault, but once I destroy the ship, everything will be okay.

After I'm done here, I'm going to go over to the mansion, and Lex and I can talk about the room. I hate that he has it, but I'm going to be honest with him.

@ 12:30 pm

Mom lost the baby! I killed the baby. It's my fault. Everything is my fault. When I put the Kryptonite key in the hole, it destroyed the ship like I thought it would. Mom and Dad were on their way back from the mansion when the explosion happened. It overturned the truck and Mom lost the baby. The baby is gone because of me. I didn't mean for this to happen. I killed my baby sister. She's gone. 

The ship was right. I destroyed everybody's life. I can't stay here anymore. I have to get out of here. I called Lex, but he's not answering his cell phone. It went straight to voice mail, and I didn't want to leave a message. I have to tell him to stay away from me. When I called the mansion to see if he was there, his staff said he'd flown out of town last night. I need to tell him to stay away from me. I can't do this anymore. I should have told Dad. I should have told my parents what I was going to do. I just didn't want the ship to take me away from them. I didn't want to lose everybody I love. I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want any of this to happen. 

I've done nothing but bring everybody more pain. If Lex had truly trusted me, he'd never have made that room. The way Dad looked at me at the hospital and when he went in to tell mom she'd lost the baby, I couldn't take it. I have to leave.

@ 11:41 pm

I left home. My dad pretty much told me he didn't want me around anymore. I'm in the city living with some chick whose name I don't even know. We met at some club and I told her I don't have a place to live. She offered to let me sleep on her sofa until I get on my feet. All I had to do was play dumb and she was eating out of my hand.

I've called Lex about five hundred times. He's not there. He's nowhere. He shouldn't have just taken off on me. I want to talk to him. I changed my mind. I want him here right now. Well, not here because dude this chick's place is ugly. Everything is pink.

I need a plan and I need cash fast.

 

27 May @ 12:04 pm

This can't be happening. Lex is missing? He can't be. No. No. I won't believe it. He can't be gone. There's no way. We're supposed to be forever. He's supposed to live with me forever. We're in love. It can't end like this. I can't let it end like this.

I won't let it end like this. 

I know Lex. He's out there somewhere. He won't die on me. He can't. He promised we'd be together forever. I didn't even know he'd flown out of town until it was too late. Why would he do that? Why would he take off without telling me where he was going?

If it was because of that stupid room he made, I'm going to kick his ass, right after I fuck him into the mattress.

Lex is mine. There is no way anybody is taking him away from me. He is mine. We are forever. I need a place to stay. I can't live on the streets. I had to leave Tracy's place. She turned out to be just a little too touchy-feely, and a net cafe is not the best place to hang. 

I know exactly what I'm going to do. Those losers will never know what hit them. I have all the time in the world. Wait -- scratch that. Those stooges never knew what hit them. I love robbing from the idiotic to give to the less fortunate. It was so much fun to watch the stupid looks on their faces when the money suddenly vanished. That little girl needed it way more than they did. This is going to be way more fun than I thought. 

I have all the money I need now to set myself up nice. It should only take a few hours.

@ 10:05 pm

I have everything I need, except him. He's missing. I don't have net at my new place either. That will take a few days. I did get some new clothes since I left home with nothing but what I was wearing. It's funny how hundred-dollar jeans feel the same as a twenty-dollar pair. At least to me they do. 

I've checked out my new neighborhood and it's nice and secluded. I'm totally bored now. I'm going out later to check out the clubs. I hear this town even has a few gay bars. Maybe I'll get lucky. 

I still wish Lex were here with me. I always thought that when I moved to the city, he would be the one I moved in with.

I'm sure his old man will find him. One thing that bastard is good at is finding things.

 

28 May @ 09:29 pm

I didn't have to wake up to feed the cows. I loved getting to sleep in until noon. I've done nothing all day but watch the news. The lead story: one missing lover. The search is on.

Last night I went out to see what this town had to offer. It was kind of boring until that guy got pissed off because his girlfriend wouldn't stop touching me. That was amusing for five seconds. I spent most of my time watching people. That was interesting until the place got crowded. Then I had to leave. I felt closed in, suffocated. There are too many people in the city, but early in the morning it's perfect. Very early in the morning there's hardly anybody around. I went up to the top of the Daily Planet to watch the sun rise. 

That wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be until I jumped from the roof to the ground. This time the jump was awesome, unlike the last time. That time I was afraid, but this time, there was no fear. I have to do that again for sure. The rush was incredible. The landing was much better.

Later on in the day, I walked around the city for hours and ended up in front of the LuthorCorp building. I'm not sure why. It's not like Lex would be there. He ran away. He abandoned me. 

 

29 May @ 10:10 pm

I started to phone home, but then I remembered dad's words and the look on his face when he walked away from me.

When I took a shower this morning, the scar on my chest began to burn. The pain was so excruciating. I didn't know it was the ring until I pulled it off and the pain stopped. I thought it was the water. It was the first time I'd taken a shower since I'd put the ring on. I lay on the floor of the bathroom for an hour, fighting the pain, writhing in agony. It hurt so badly, but nothing hurts as much as the thought that Lex might be dead. They still haven't found him and there's no sign of where his plane went down. 

The last time we saw each other, I was running away from him. I didn't get a chance to talk to him. I didn't get a chance to tell him the truth, but he's gone now so none of that matters. 

I thought if I destroyed the ship, I could make my past go away. I thought I could escape it. Instead I made things worse, but that doesn't matter.

I'm never going back to Smallville. With the ring, it doesn't hurt as much. I haven't hurt anybody and I don't think I will. I don't think I want to. I just want this hollow feeling in my chest to go away. I want the pain to stop.

That feels so much better. The city is so alive. Even right now, I could go out and find something or somebody to do. I could play. Back home that wasn't an option. I can't believe I wasted so much time in that hick town. 

The city is my home now.

 

30 May @ 09:31 pm

I spent last night and most of today in bed. I'd never have been able to do that at home. I wonder how the old man is getting along. I bet he's finding it hard to keep that farm going all by his lonesome. 

I went shopping yesterday for some new clothes. I desperately needed a wardrobe change. Lex will love these clothes when he sees me in them. This new apartment is great. Nobody bothers me. I can do what I want.

Today I'm just going to do nothing. I picked up a few books while I was shopping yesterday. One of them was the New Joy of Gay Sex. That was the most interesting purchase I made. I was surprised to see it on the shelf of the local bookstore. It's interesting. I particularly like the chapters on rimming and role-playing. I totally agree with the first part. I don't get why some people are so turned off at the thought of licking ass when they suck cock. Personally I like both. I need to read more about role-playing because it sounds like a lot of fun. 

I also picked up some music CDs. It's the perfect day to just listen to music and read. Life couldn't be much better than this. The only thing that would make it perfect would be if Lex were here with me. He really needs to get back from where ever it is he went off to.

 

31 May @ 12:33 pm

Early this morning I went to the coast, thinking that maybe there was some way that I could find him, but it only ended in frustration. How am I supposed to save him? He's really missing. His plane really did disappear and others are searching for him. Bruce has joined the search. The papers even brought up their past relationship. Does this mean Bruce wants him for himself? Doesn't he know that Lex belongs to me? I have the ring to prove it.

I tried on all my new clothes. I hate trying clothes on in the store. It makes me feel gross. Besides, that would have been a total waste of my time. I have better things to do.

I woke up this morning (late in the morning) really excited. I had this dream featuring Lex, and it was sexy. He was here with me and we were having sex night and day 24/7. I had to jerk off three times just to be able to stand. I exaggerate, but who cares? I really miss him.

Breakfast in bed was leftover pizza. Who needs to cook when you can order in every single day? This place doesn't have much of a kitchen anyway.

This post brought to you by my bored-out-of-my-skull brain. Maybe I'll ride around town today and check out the action.

@ 03:23 pm

My new place.

It's a bachelor apartment with a main room that has this really nice huge window looking out on the city. It's not much of a view, but I don't care. I didn't bother with curtains, and right beside the bed there are these sliding doors that open up onto a small balcony. It's really not much, but I just need a place to sleep and keep my stuff. The main room has a nice big bed with really soft black silk sheets and a huge downy comforter. I've never owned one of those so I thought I would get one to see what the fuss was. I love it. It feels great against my naked skin. I bet Lex would look awesome in this bed.

There's a sofa and some other furniture. I don't need much. It came furnished, so I wouldn't have to bother buying that crap. There's a huge walk-in closet that you could practically fit a bed in. I keep most of my stuff in there. There's even a dresser in there. I bet Lex would love it. I bet he could easily fit all his clothes in with mine. Since I keep my clothes on the floor, he'd have lots of room for his stuff. 

The main room has a small desk in the corner with my laptop (I went back to the farm over the weekend to get it), and this other laptop that I picked up on sale. It was so cheap. I practically got it for free. I have them both hooked up to the net. There's a small TV. All the tables are glass. 

Then the bathroom is nice and big with a huge tub and a separate shower stall. There's a small kitchen hidden away, but I don't really use it for much except to store some beer in the fridge.

The best part is I don't have an alarm clock.

@ 11:17 pm

This scar on my chest is disgusting. I hate it. It reminds me of my real father. He marked me for whatever reason, and it's here to stay. I hate it. I have to wear all my shirts buttoned up. That girl at the bar touched it, and I wanted her gone. I almost broke her arm when she tried to slide her hand down my shirt. 

Nobody touches me but Lex.


End file.
